1. Nov 20th our hosting plan will expire. We had a good run, but it's time to say goodbye to the forums. If you haven't done so already, join the discord.
Hey, we're going to close up entry to the discord in a few weeks. This is your last chance!

I changed a lot because of this community

Blog entry posted by savedArt, 18 Feb 2017.

Before I joined this community, I was at witts end with my inability to understand how to communicate, I felt it lowered my ability to understand myself, since I wasn't capable of examining myself deep enough to understand who I was even. because of this I was constantly banned from several forums I wanted to be a part of, since I was always being labeled as a troll. I didn't know how to talk (IRL) and I couldn't spell. I was constantly accused of being a troll. since I spelled so many of my words wrong almost all of them were misspelled (if I were to make a fake % of that memory I'd say at least 89% of my words were misspelled, an example is I'd spell words wereds).

back then I was so furious because asshole trolls back then were known to purposely misspell words. and I was constantly accused of being a troll because of this. Not to mention I didn't have popular opinions, I didn't understand tact or why it was important. so I was tactless, blunt, abrasive, and spelling all my words wrong. Its obvious to me NOW why I was always being labeled a troll, but back then I was only trying to be genuine and I remember crying sometimes due to complete frustration, and even if I made alt accounts people instantly knew it was me because of all the spelling and grammar errors, not to mention the still not very popular opinions

As a result, when I first came here (when it was explodingrabbit) I was a very pig headed and stubborn. On a completely unrelated side note, I was also a very right leaning republican, I was very outwardly sexist and misogynist. I was proud of my sexism and misogyny (in fact I often bragged about it like it was something to be celebrated). I would constantly make sexist comments and jokes that weren't ironic. I wasn't very literate (couldn't read (gather meaning from messages others wrote) or write (express my true thoughts) well ). I struggled to articulate my thoughts. I refused to listen to people who thought differently than myself and studied my own ideals and beliefs. Back when I first joined, nobody could convince me of anything I didn't want to hear, or anything I didn't want to believe.

My lack of an understanding of how to read/write/talk left me very confused about myself the reality of the world I lived in. at the time I was so confused about myself I didn't grasp what being a human was. it was like I understood the importance of others, but I couldn't see an importance in myself, also I didn't see myself as the same as others, I felt completely isolated because it seemed like no matter who I talked with, I'd have an argument, even the the conversation was something I wanted to be calm and or pleasant. it was truly maddening, but I'm a human, and I think we all have a built in desire to communicate and listen to others.

*moving on*

I really liked the game super mario bros crossover, I liked it so much and, I noticed there was a bug in it, an easily repeatable one, I could do easily, I remember it was bombing samus up to the ceiling and getting lodged into it and then being shoved the the right wall during a "bowser fight" I was at that time terrified of forums, I hated being called a troll, so I looked up and down all over that forums reported bugs thread, hoping this bug was already reported somewhere. I desperately didn't want to join the forums. since all it did was lead me down a path of heartbreak. (getting banned and being labeled a troll). but nope that bug wasn't reported by anyone. I remember waiting a full week before I joined and reported the bug. I told myself I was going to try my hardest to write messages that were well thought out. that had the best spelling I could use, and the best grammar I could come up with. also, I was kind of fresh out of anger management, and I had new communication skills. I was eager to try them out if I got into a conflict.

I made a promise to myself. if somebody was confrontational to me, but in a way that showed me they were genuinely trying to help me. I would try to listen to them, even if they were saying things I didn't agree with. I was forcing myself to have a open mind to different opinion, to different thoughts, something I never have done or behaved. I didn't even give my wife that much respect. back then I'd spend, sometimes, over 70 minutes writing a post, that was only a few sentences long, I'd have a tab open to dictionary websites, and looking up the most mundane words, making sure I was using accurate words.

not to insult the rest of you, you're all awesome and amazing in your own ways, but there were 3 people who for reasons unknown to me, wanted to interact with me, to this very day I couldn't tell you why they wanted to communicate with me, or share their views with me. but I kept reminding myself that I was going to try my hardest to listen to them. even though at the very same time. I was scared and paranoid to all hell and filled with panic. but the three most influential and helpful humans on these forums were
@Improvement , @DJBadbeatz , and most of all @Bunnymede Must Die .(ganymede) I was baffled by their communicating with me in private, and I was very scared of them, scared I was going to hurt them. since I always hurt everyone in my life. but these 3 had what I'll call an "influence" on me, in fact. all 3 of them still do have an influence on me

I'm able to articulate myself now, I'm able to think deeply about my thoughts, I'm no longer a stubborn human incapable of listening to others, I'm no longer sexist, I'm no longer a misogynist, I went from a proud republican to a right leaning moderate. I treat myself with more respect, and I it no longer takes me over 70 minutes to write something just a few sentences long.

but writing all this has reminded me of how horrible I was back then, and the fact that you're still willing to talk to me. and you were willing to talk with me back then when I was that horrible human. makes me feel happy.

and to @Improvement it might be too late to apologize, but I've said a lot of rude things towards you, honestly you didn't deserve any of it, I wont' try to excuse my behavior, as I don't think it's excusable, but I am hoping you'll accept my apology.

but thank you, thank you everyone in this community, you all have helped me grow. you call me out on my bullshit and I feel like I always become a better person when you do. I'm not perfect, but I feel like you've all helped me become a better human. One that knows how to talk, and thanks to all of you I now have conversations with my daughter. something I wasn't capable of without everyone here being so awesome.
  1. savedArt
    I just made an edit turns out I wrote the word "ore", when I meant "or", that just makes me laugh.
  2. Improvement
    I can't deny that this community has been an integral part of my development as a human being aswell. I can't really explain why this place, but here I felt most at home. I could share, but also challenge my opinions, views and values. Both the agreements and the disagreements were important for my personal improvement. First I turned into a preacher who would say one thing, but do something else. And I'm still learning, I'm still getting better. If I want positivity I have to be positive myself, so that's the goal now. If I have certain expectations, I have to set an example myself first.