Before I joined this community, I was at witts end with my inability to understand how to communicate, I felt it lowered my ability to understand myself, since I wasn't capable of examining myself deep enough to understand who I was even. because of this I was constantly banned from several forums I wanted to be a part of, since I was always being labeled as a troll. I didn't know how to talk (IRL) and I couldn't spell. I was constantly accused of being a troll. since I spelled so many of my words wrong almost all of them were misspelled (if I were to make a fake % of that memory I'd say at least 89% of my words were misspelled, an example is I'd spell words wereds).
back then I was so furious because asshole trolls back then were known to purposely misspell words. and I was constantly accused of being a troll because of this. Not to mention I didn't have popular opinions, I didn't understand tact or why it was important. so I was tactless, blunt, abrasive, and spelling all my words wrong. Its obvious to me NOW why I was always being labeled a troll, but back then I was only trying to be genuine and I remember crying sometimes due to complete frustration, and even if I made alt accounts people instantly knew it was me because of all the spelling and grammar errors, not to mention the still not very popular opinions
As a result, when I first came here (when it was explodingrabbit) I was a very pig headed and stubborn. On a completely unrelated side note, I was also a very right leaning republican, I was very outwardly sexist and misogynist. I was proud of my sexism and misogyny (in fact I often bragged about it like it was something to be celebrated). I would constantly make sexist comments and jokes that weren't ironic. I wasn't very literate (couldn't read (gather meaning from messages others wrote) or write (express my true thoughts) well ). I struggled to articulate my thoughts. I refused to listen to people who thought differently than myself and studied my own ideals and beliefs. Back when I first joined, nobody could convince me of anything I didn't want to hear, or anything I didn't want to believe.
My lack of an understanding of how to read/write/talk left me very confused about myself the reality of the world I lived in. at the time I was so confused about myself I didn't grasp what being a human was. it was like I understood the importance of others, but I couldn't see an importance in myself, also I didn't see myself as the same as others, I felt completely isolated because it seemed like no matter who I talked with, I'd have an argument, even the the conversation was something I wanted to be calm and or pleasant. it was truly maddening, but I'm a human, and I think we all have a built in desire to communicate and listen to others.
I really liked the game super mario bros crossover, I liked it so much and, I noticed there was a bug in it, an easily repeatable one, I could do easily, I remember it was bombing samus up to the ceiling and getting lodged into it and then being shoved the the right wall during a "bowser fight" I was at that time terrified of forums, I hated being called a troll, so I looked up and down all over that forums reported bugs thread, hoping this bug was already reported somewhere. I desperately didn't want to join the forums. since all it did was lead me down a path of heartbreak. (getting banned and being labeled a troll). but nope that bug wasn't reported by anyone. I remember waiting a full week before I joined and reported the bug. I told myself I was going to try my hardest to write messages that were well thought out. that had the best spelling I could use, and the best grammar I could come up with. also, I was kind of fresh out of anger management, and I had new communication skills. I was eager to try them out if I got into a conflict.
I made a promise to myself. if somebody was confrontational to me, but in a way that showed me they were genuinely trying to help me. I would try to listen to them, even if they were saying things I didn't agree with. I was forcing myself to have a open mind to different opinion, to different thoughts, something I never have done or behaved. I didn't even give my wife that much respect. back then I'd spend, sometimes, over 70 minutes writing a post, that was only a few sentences long, I'd have a tab open to dictionary websites, and looking up the most mundane words, making sure I was using accurate words.
not to insult the rest of you, you're all awesome and amazing in your own ways, but there were 3 people who for reasons unknown to me, wanted to interact with me, to this very day I couldn't tell you why they wanted to communicate with me, or share their views with me. but I kept reminding myself that I was going to try my hardest to listen to them. even though at the very same time. I was scared and paranoid to all hell and filled with panic. but the three most influential and helpful humans on these forums were
@Improvement , @DJBadbeatz , and most of all @Bunnymede Must Die .(ganymede) I was baffled by their communicating with me in private, and I was very scared of them, scared I was going to hurt them. since I always hurt everyone in my life. but these 3 had what I'll call an "influence" on me, in fact. all 3 of them still do have an influence on me
I'm able to articulate myself now, I'm able to think deeply about my thoughts, I'm no longer a stubborn human incapable of listening to others, I'm no longer sexist, I'm no longer a misogynist, I went from a proud republican to a right leaning moderate. I treat myself with more respect, and I it no longer takes me over 70 minutes to write something just a few sentences long.
but writing all this has reminded me of how horrible I was back then, and the fact that you're still willing to talk to me. and you were willing to talk with me back then when I was that horrible human. makes me feel happy.
and to @Improvement it might be too late to apologize, but I've said a lot of rude things towards you, honestly you didn't deserve any of it, I wont' try to excuse my behavior, as I don't think it's excusable, but I am hoping you'll accept my apology.
but thank you, thank you everyone in this community, you all have helped me grow. you call me out on my bullshit and I feel like I always become a better person when you do. I'm not perfect, but I feel like you've all helped me become a better human. One that knows how to talk, and thanks to all of you I now have conversations with my daughter. something I wasn't capable of without everyone here being so awesome.
I changed a lot because of this community
Blog entry posted by savedArt, 18 Feb 2017.